I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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