y did u give ur computer a hand job?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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