Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
