My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
When are your genitals available?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
