honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
