I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
