Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
