New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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