First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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