just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
