if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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