WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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