Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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