when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
