you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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