How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
