I hate your face
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
