She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
