my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
