I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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