fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
