was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
