it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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