Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
