i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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