never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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