It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you inspire me to be a worse person
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
