I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I can't turn off my feet"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
