Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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