Me. At least after what I've been through.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
