All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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