He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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