saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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