You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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