where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
