I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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