I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
