I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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