I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
