Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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