after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
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