I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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