clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
