I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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