One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Is her dick bigger than yours?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
