As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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