I can't watch pbs sober anymore
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
