Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
