Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize