He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
