ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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