my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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