I murdered the dance floor call the cops
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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