Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
